I am baffled at the moment and have so much to say and yet my words only seem to get me in trouble...but I guess it is time to just be plain honest!!

I am tired of christians! Sometimes I think I could go the rest of my life and never be around some of them. Please don't get me wrong...I am not perfect nor do I say that I am...but its funny how "christians" think they have all the answers to everything and yet they can't seem to see the plank in their own eye!!!

People wonder why I just walked away this last year...well part of it was for these very reasons...Instead of having a conversation with me, they allowed their own opinions and hurt to rule what was coming out of their mouths and hurt a lot of people me included! I was suppose to sit and be quiet while I was being told how horrible and wrong I was...well I think what they did was just as bad as what they said I did. Maybe one day their eyes will be open that they were wrong as well for how many times they walked in the flesh and tore others down at others expense!

As for today, one of my best friends is now exiting my life and I am examing yet again why? What is it that I do to cause everyone in my life to leave me? Why I am so horrible that people do not want to be around me or know my heart or want to hear me out? I just don't get ..and I guess I never will....I feel so misunderstood!

So if you were every wondering what is going in my heart...there you have it!! The Lord is revealing good things to me through it all and mainly that I am not as horrible as some might think and there in my heart is someone who truly wanted what God has for me but now instead of enjoying those moments...I know have to find healing first and rest before I can take another step of being in any ministry whatsoever. Someday!

I do not know why I have this urge to write on this thing...maybe I just need an outlet and maybe I just want someone to hear my heart today..I am not sure...but I have been doing a lot of thinking...My heart is truly bruise and exposed and I am feeling very insecure these days.

I wish I could get to the place in my life that I was so secure and knew that I could trust God will 100%  of my heart and not worry about a single thing that goes on in my life...whether my future is what I desire or not...whether I have friends that show me love or not, whether I go on full time staff or not...so many questions go through my mind and instead of worrying about them, I want to just be free to live each day as if it was my last day and have no worries about what tomorrow holds. Somedays I can't wait to see what God is going to do next and the next minute I am so consumed with how I feel that I get distracted from the plan he has for me...I just need to learn to love him more so that I can trust him more. I need to give my all to him, feelings, insecurities and learn that waiting on him is not room for insecurities and insanity to come in but a place of peace.

SO whether I live or die accomplishing all the things "I" want to, I will know that his will for me is far greater than my own...now it is just living that out...

Christmas is just around the corner now...I am so excited about this time of year...not only to remember Jesus Birth and what that means to us even today, but it also is a time for me to really reflect on my life and what my year has been like.

Currently I do not want to give up on 2007...I don't think that I am done or better yet God is done with me. There are people all around me starting to process and prepare for what 2008 holds, that is great and all but for me..I have 32 days left of 2007 and what will I do with them? How will I make a difference for the kingdom or will I just waste my time thinking of what is to come?

These are all questions that I am pondering at the moment. I am also being challenged to memorize more scripture...starting with 2 different passages...Psalms 1 and Col. 3..so I just pray that these words sink into my heart because I desperately need a heart change.

Hope you all are blessed and well and Happy holidays to you!!!

<3 jul